Popsicles, Assembly Line Revenge and the Most Interesting Cardiologist Ever
Three things happened. All of them need to be discussed. None of them are normal.
This week on Thoughts Off The Stem, Justin Barone covers the definitive rule on dudes eating popsicles in public, a two hour assembly line revenge plot that was absolutely worth it, and a cardiology appointment at Toronto General that briefly felt like the opening scene of a Spanish soap opera.
He was not high for any of it. He deeply regrets that.
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The Popsicle Rule
It was a heat wave. The company put out a freezer full of free popsicles. Justin watched what happened next and cannot unsee it.
Here’s the rule. If you’re a dude eating a popsicle in public — you bite it. That’s it. Full stop. End of discussion. There is no alternative. You do not hawk that thing. Don’t wrap your tongue around it like a giraffe taking food from someone’s hand. Bite it, you eat it, you move on with your life and your dignity intact.
Justin is not saying this to be immature. Justin is saying this because he had to watch an entire assembly line of men completely ignore this rule during a heat wave and he needs everyone to understand that this was a problem.
Bite the popsicle. This has been a public service announcement.
Assembly Line Revenge
There’s a coworker. This coworker is fast, spazzy, micromanages everyone’s technique, and cannot handle a unit being placed on the wrong side of a hash mark. He also made the catastrophic mistake of laughing at Justin with another employee while Justin was still learning.
Justin clocked it, then he filed it and said nothing.
Then one rotation later this coworker did the full stare down — picked up a unit, held it up, made eye contact, and slowly placed it back down on the correct side of the hash mark like he was Vanna White revealing a letter. Justin, being the completely reasonable adult that he is, spent the next two hours inching every single unit millimeter by millimeter from the correct side of the hash mark to the wrong side of the hash mark.
By the end of the rotation Justin could physically feel the laser stare boring through the back of his skull. Worth it. Completely worth it.
Don’t laugh at people for trying. Especially not Justin.
The Most Interesting Cardiologist Ever
Justin has a heart condition. He goes to Toronto General every two years for a full cardiology workup. This time he had a new doctor.
This new doctor walked into the examination room, got approximately six inches from Justin’s face, looked him dead in the eyes and said — “I just want to meet the Superman.”
Justin was not expecting this.
She proceeded to do what Justin describes as the full Don Juan strut across the room, extended her hand with her fingertips pointed downward like she expected him to kiss the ring, introduced herself, and then told Justin he was the Batman now.
Everything checked out fine by the way. Heart is good. The edibles are approved. Smoking is not approved. Vaping is also not approved but Justin has stopped so that’s fine. And at some point in the future Justin will experience a weird heartbeat from the edibles and when that happens he is to call the doctor directly and say “hello, yes, it happened.”
Justin’s girlfriend is going to find out about all of this by listening to this episode. Justin acknowledges this may cause problems.
Also — Justin wants his defibrillator X-ray framed on his wall. The hospital spent 20 minutes looking for it and couldn’t find it. The search continues.
Listen Now
Popsicles, Assembly Line Revenge and the Most Interesting Cardiologist Ever is available now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, and all major platforms.
New episodes of Thoughts Off The Stem drop every Friday at 4:20 PM.
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