Thoughts Off The Stem | Weed Infused Comedy Podcast
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba – Seshisode 195 Transcript
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 0:06
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba: Adventures With an Infused Tourist!
went on vacation and lost weight.
How does that happen?
Well, you go to Cuba, of course.
The beaches are amazing, that the food is questionable at best.
Let me take you on a little journey this sesh.
It all starts in the bathroom of Toronto airport before we get on a plane to go to Cuba.
Before we head to the gate and after we deal with the bags, Captain Justin decides that he’s got to take a tinkle.
0:26
So off to the washroom.
My prance.
Now I’m walking in as the dudes walking out of the last stall.
Of course, it’s the only available spot to go, so I guess I’m going to do my business in there.
Well, that dude, he decimated it, man.
Decimated it.
0:42
It was a tsunami of shit inside and outside the bowl.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to take a leak while you’re straddling poop landmines?
Yeah, that’s right.
Poop was on the floor, dude.
And no, it’s not easy to arc your pee from the door of the stall to the bowl and not hit your pants or shoes.
1:02
So I finish up in the stall and I’m leaving, and as I walk out of the stall I almost run into this dude in the middle of the room who’s repeatedly slamming his hat on the floor and yelling and fighting ghosts.
And no, the floor wasn’t even kind of clean.
1:18
Poop landmines, dude.
So I squeeze by Captain Fights a ghost, and I wash my hands real quick because I got to get the hell out of there before feces start getting chucked across the room.
That was the beginning of the trip, dude.
1:34
That’s right.
We hadn’t even got to the gate yet.
So we get to the gate, we’re waiting to board the plane, and now it’s my girlfriend’s turn to get a little visit from the Tinkle Fairy.
So off she goes to the bathroom.
Boop A doop.
A doop.
Just after she leaves, these two ditzy college chicks walk past me and ask if this is the line for the plane.
1:54
There’s only one line, dude, and I’m not even kind of in it.
I’m kind of off to the side ’cause, you know, they bored you by section, so the line is kind of pointless and a little dumb.
Anyway, I say yeah, yeah, it is.
As my girlfriend comes back, she’s just in time to see Ditzy 1 and Ditzy 2 come walking by again, trying to retrieve reusable plastic Starbucks water cups from this oversized shoulder bag they’re carrying.
2:19
Now, as they’re walking, they realize that they’ve spilled all the water in the bag.
Now you’d think they’d be line it to the bathroom, right?
To clean it out before they board the plane.
Nope, not even kinda.
No, not these chicks.
These chicks pop a squat in the middle of the seating area, empty the contents and dump the water right there.
2:41
Why?
Why you ask?
Well, ’cause people are dumb, dude.
So finally the call for boarding goes out.
Now guess who gets on the plane first?
That’s right.
This guy right here.
As I said, lines are dumb and it’s kind of pointless.
3:02
So we get on the plane, we find out we’re on the emergency row, and that’s why we boarded the plane first.
This also means legroom, and that’s a hot commodity on a plane.
So excitement.
Yeah, out 100.
Added bonus, we get to watch all the people board the plane.
And since we like the people, watch it talk shit.
3:20
It’s like a celebration of joy.
You ever seen a selfie queen?
Me neither, until this day.
On this day, I got to witness one in the wild.
Baby.
This chick 2 rows in front of us took selfies the whole time at literally from the time she sat in her seat to the time we got off the plane.
3:41
Click, click, click, click, click, click. 189 photos, dude.
From two different angles.
Then there’s these two chicks behind us and they’re talking about their boyfriend’s red flags.
Apparently this one dude asked why way too often and it drove one of the girls nuts.
3:57
So of course, I had to eavesdrop on the conversation to find out what their red flags were.
You know what they were?
Well, I must have heard the phrase and like about 900 times.
Dude, imagine listening to this for half of a three hour flight.
And like I was at work and like I was wearing my red dress with like the open back and like I got really cold and Bonnie didn’t even like offer me her cardigan when the air conditioner broke and like made it like a meat locker in the office office.
4:21
And like when I called my boyfriend at lunch, he didn’t even like ask why my like, well, like, like my teeth were chattering like and like I was very hurt and like I was expecting him to like say something and and like I wanted him to say something.
So like I would I could feel better because like I wanted to be warm and I couldn’t be warm and like he didn’t care And like Bonnie was being a total bitch.
4:41
And then like my nipples got cold.
And then Robert made a comment and like, I just wanted to die.
But like, I didn’t, I didn’t die.
The flight to Cuba is 3 hours, 3 1/2 tops.
Imagine half of that.
This.
Now our flight was not 3 hours.
No, our travel time was about 9 hours because five other dopes delayed the flight by half an hour because apparently planes don’t wait for people.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 5:04
Now who knew?
The last time I was in an airport missing the plane, I had to Sprint across the whole airport just in time to see the plane taxi to the runway.
And I was only 5 minutes late.
Dude, WestJet doesn’t play by those rules.
They hang out on the tarmac until you show up.
5:20
You don’t have your documents ready?
No worries.
No problem dude, we’ll help you fill them out at the boarding desk.
Because forget that 200 other people have been waiting 45 minutes for your dumbass.
Why do we have a rule that people have to be at the airport 3 hours ahead of their international flight if the departure time is just kind of a guideline?
5:45
So we finally take off about 45 minutes late.
No big deal, right?
It’s only 45 minutes. 45 minutes doesn’t make that much of a difference, except for the giant storm over the airport we have to circle on our arrival to Cuba.
So now we’re circling Cuba for two hours, just flying up and down the coast, just cruising up and down the coast in the plane baller, right?
6:05
No, no, it’s not.
You know why?
Because this is how dumb people are.
You can see the giant storm cloud and lightning flashing outside the right side of the plane.
Now people start asking the crew at this point why we haven’t landed yet.
Seriously, half the plane is taking videos out their window of lightning going off, lighting up the cabin like mortar shells, and you don’t know why we’re still in the air.
6:31
This is the same time when you can see the mob mentality starting to build.
Just as tension builds to a boil, the cabin crew comes out all smooth.
That’s right, they soothe us like babies breaking out chocolate chip cookies and some sweet treats because just like toddlers, you can’t talk when you’re chewing.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 6:54
Finally we’re able to land right and it’s about midnight and we make our way through customs, then to the baggage carousel and the bags start coming out on the carousel along with a dude and his drug sniffing Cocker spaniel.
7:11
They’re walking over the bags and of course the dog stops at my bag and gives it a pretty good huff a couple times, You know?
I mean I get it, my bag was in my basement before I left, so it might have smelled like weed a bit, but also cat, cat litter and dog.
So I take the bag off the carousel, right?
7:29
Well, doesn’t Buddy and his drug sniffing Cocker spaniel beeline it right to me?
So I push the bag out towards them so the dog can sniff it again.
Because what kind of drug mule puts the bag full of drugs in front of the drug sniffing dog, right?
That’s my logic.
7:45
So the dog sniffs at once and then moves along.
No Cuba gel for Justin baby.
After about an hour bus ride we finally get to the resort.
We’re definitely we’re exhausted, we’re definitely agitated, and we’re definitely ready for sleep.
8:02
So we check in and the room they give us was gross dude with a capital GROSS.
OK, the air wasn’t on in the room and it was the most humid.
OK, everything was damp or at least it felt damp.
The worst part was my fat ass couldn’t even handle the humidity for the first two days.
8:19
I was sweating like a pedo and gentpop dude.
That’s right.
So the next day we had them change our room and that’s when I figured out you if you tip the right person you can get pretty much anything you want to.
Also dudes will try and get you to give them your shoes, especially if you have some slick ass Nikes because they love that shit.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 8:37
It’s definitely a little off putting though when a waiter comes up to you after breakfast grilling you about the cost of your shoes and he’s trying to find a way to ask you to give him your shoes without actually asking you to give him your shoes.
You know it’s weird dude.
So when we got our new room, we were introduced to the concierge and she set us up with obviously the way better room on the opposite side of the resort.
8:59
It was much quieter, there were fewer people, the the room was nice and cool when we got there, there were no wet sheets or moist towels, and the tub didn’t look like a breeding ground for alien dude.
OK, it was definitely a step up, but I learned very quickly that you don’t go to Cuba for the hotel rooms or the food.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 9:16
You go for the vibes bro.
Now here’s something to keep in mind.
I’m the kind of guy who has some stupid thing happened to him on the first day, like a wicked sunburn or a broken ankle, you know?
And then it’ll limits my ability to do things for the rest of the trip.
9:32
So I tried to take every precaution not to have that happen.
So I spent a week working in my new slide so I wouldn’t get blisters.
I sunscreen regularly so I wouldn’t burn.
I watched what food I was I was eating so that I wouldn’t poop myself.
You know, all the good stuff.
After one day of being a bobbing head in the ocean, I get back to the room and I’m as red as a lobster and my feet are burnt.
9:52
Burnt dude who burns her feet?
This guy, This guy burns their feet.
There’s wicked blisters on both my big toes and again, I’m pouring sweat like a waterfall in the Burmese jungle.
OK.
Oh, and I had a heat rash that made me look like a bright red beacon of disease.
10:11
You want to know what’s good for all of that though?
Salt water, dude.
That’s right, Just a little salt water.
Three days in the ocean and it all started to clear up except the feet.
The feet didn’t get better till like you know, the last day.
In fact, these puppies are still peeling and healing.
10:27
I’ve been home for like 3 weeks too.
We spent all our days on the beach, My girl getting bronze like a goddess and me showing up like you know, half boiled bull meat.
But otherwise good time.
The ocean was pretty awesome.
It was amazing actually.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 10:42
The beach was clean, the water was so clear that you could see the bottom.
You know what was gross?
The pools, dude.
Resort pools with the swim up bar, Those are gross.
You want to know why resort pools with the swim up bar are gross?
Because everyone’s just sitting there all day warming the water periodically so they don’t have to get up and lose their spot.
11:05
Yeah, that’s right.
You’re swimming and pee, dude.
For sure.
I mean, I know people pee in the ocean, but I feel like based on the size of the ocean versus a pool, there’s a lot more particulate dilution happening in the ocean.
Plus it’s just better for your skin.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 11:21
Dude, in between ocean Bob sessions, we hit up to 24 hour snack bar for hot dogs, fries and beer.
Or sometimes, you know, we go to the main buffet for rice and bread because that’s all we ate for seven days.
Because apparently you don’t go to Cuba for the food.
Dude, you can ask anybody.
Normally when you hear buffet, your heart flutters and you get a little rush of excitement, right?
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 11:42
Not in Cuba.
In Cuba, your butthole puckers and your stomach becomes a Nazi dietitian.
Yeah, that’s what happens.
Actually, we did have eggs and sometimes sausage in the morning, but it was definitely limited.
You know, the rest of the time we were fueled by cappuccino and beer.
11:59
From time to time, we heard some people talking about how good the food actually was, and quite frankly, it blew our minds.
Yeah, that’s right.
Do you know what it’s like to be terrified of ice?
Getting ice in your cup was like having your worst nightmare manifest into reality or a spider run up your leg.
12:20
For the next hour, you’re on high alert, waiting to see if you shit your pants or develop puncture wounds.
Dude, I’m just saying there’s nothing like wondering if you’re going to wake up the next day with a deformity.
OK, then about four or five days in, we catch ourselves talking about how good some of the food was.
12:36
You know what that taught me?
Well, it takes five days to reset your standards for greatness.
All you need is a little deprivation and bam, your standards drop faster than a boner being bit by a hooker.
What I’m saying is, the food is not great, but after a few days rice can be as satisfying as a Big Mac.
12:58
We met some pretty awesome folks, but like I said, it also helps that we figured out who to tip right.
We worked it out so that almost every spot through the resort we had somebody taking care of us.
Our waiters at the buffet made sure we had the table we liked, the beer we liked, and they always gave us a heads up on the state of the buffet before we went to the buffet.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 13:16
You got to have an inside man.
Dude, it was awesome and we met a couple ladies in the coffee lounge who made sure that we always had drinks or cappuccino when we passed through.
We never had to actually go to the bar when they were working, they always came and found us.
So we got served while we were sitting there doing whatever we were doing.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 13:35
I think it started to make an impression though, like kind of across the resort, because within a few days we started to notice more of the staff making a point of acknowledging us just in passing.
Waiters also started to meet us at the entrance to the buffet and entice us to sit in their section.
13:51
Then one night a gardener comes out of nowhere while while I’m smoking a cigar on a patio and gives flowers to my girlfriend.
Now you didn’t want to tell me that guy didn’t want a tip.
If I’m being honest, it was kind of awesome, but it was also kind of off putting and because you know, so we had to get a little more strategic with our tipping.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 14:10
Overall it was a pretty good experience.
So it was my first time to Cuba and I definitely go back.
Maybe I’ll check out a different resort though.
Here’s the thing, you just, you can’t have expectations and you have to be adaptable, right?
Because the Cuban people, like I said, are awesome.
The travelling people, not so much.
Man people are much more selfish than I remember.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 14:28
A lot of people they would actually empty trays from the buffet onto plates just for their table without like any regard to the fact that there were, you know, hundreds of other people there.
Manners and etiquette were definitely lacking from most of the tourists I saw.
14:45
The messed up part was there were very few Americans though.
Because they can’t go.
I’m just saying that’s behavior that we would expect because, you know, let the the resort population was basically Europeans, Canadians and French Canadians.
15:01
So what made the food hoarders even more surprising?
We’re we’re supposed to be like a nicer people.
Maybe we are, but we’re definitely a selfish, OK?
There was a lot of questionable fashion sense, which makes people watching super fun.
15:21
I don’t think I saw so many shiny fake accessories like the big wannabe Gucci sunglasses.
Old dudes were wearing those.
Dude, there were fake gold watches everywhere.
Rings, chains, chains.
People wear the chains in the ocean.
It looked ridiculous, tacky.
You know, it kind of came across as a little desperate.
15:38
Maybe pay attention to me, attention seeking.
But I guess, you know, whatever makes whatever makes you feel good about being you.
I’m just saying I’d rather not be chuckled out in passing, that’s all.
So by the time the food seemed to be running out and my skin started to clear up, it was time to fly home.
15:59
And of course, our return flight was like 11:00 PM and luckily it was on time, right?
And the flight only took about 3 hours this time.
The downside was that the end of our flight was through a thunderstorm.
This time there was no circling though.
No, the pilot just took us right through that bitch.
16:17
It didn’t seem to matter that at any moment the cabin could have been filled with an excessive amount of barf.
There was a lot of turbulence, a lot of lowering levels really quickly.
So other than flying through storms on the front and back leg of the trip, the first night’s room, and the, you know, 7 days of starvation, the trip was a great time.
16:36
I was able to forget I had kids.
I got to enjoy the moment.
Get lost to the fantasy of being present.
You know, drink some decent beer and have a few cigars.
Because that’s what Cuba is about, baby.
I will say this though, research your destination before you go so you have an idea of what to expect and then keep those expectations low.
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 17:00
Be flexible because shit’s going to happen and you don’t want to let it ruin your perfectly good time, dude.
Overall, I give my first visit to Cuba a pretty good experience dude.
I thoroughly enjoyed myself even though I came home a little redder than I wished with a few more foot injuries than I had planned, you know what I’m saying?
What You Really Need to Know About Cuba 17:25
And because I liked it so much, I try to keep the vibes going and it gives what gives me the laid back vibe.
OK, is low key what is it?
Let me try that again MTL cannabis low key frosted flakes.
17:42
It’s pre rolls they’re half grams, they are 32% THC and they’re a nice laid back indica.
And if you want to tell me this isn’t an indica, if you want to label it something like that, it’s a hybrid leaning indica, whatever.
17:59
It’s nice and relaxing.
So it makes me kind of like feel like I’m back in Cuba because when I got back a few weeks ago, you know, I was just cruising along and then all of a sudden you get back into like, you know, regular life and you start to speed up a bit.
18:17
I want to be island slow again.
That’s my plan.
So when I want to feel like that, I smoke these because they’re actually pretty good.
They’re a little peppery.
The pre rolls are a little tight, so they burn a little more like they burn a little faster than you want them to.
18:36
But yeah, if you want to relax, if you want to take the edge off, it’s a good after work weed.
When you get to sit down, you just get to, you know, lay back and do your thing.
I wonder if it tells us what the terps are on here.
So the terps.
Oh, I can’t read when I’m high.
It’s an indica, the mix.
OK, so here are the stats.
18:55
Frosted Flakes by MTL Cannabis.
They’re low key brand or version?
It’s indica, it’s cereal, milk and Mach one mixed together.
There’s farnacine, limonene, linaluol, Osamine and bazabilol, bazabilol, bizbolol, whatever that is.
19:22
Those are your terps.
And I think it’s like a one point something.
It doesn’t say does it say I don’t see anything that says what the percentage is, but it’s a good smoke if you want to relax.
It’s nice and tasty.
You got to like the peppery side of things though, because it is a it does have like that peppery taste to it.
19:47
But I’ve been smoking these for like a week now and I got to say I quite enjoy them.
They’re pretty good.
So if you’re looking for something laid back and you’re looking, they’re a little more expensive though, if I remember correctly.
No, I think it’s like 7 pack for like 25 bucks maybe.
Anyway, it was pretty good.
20:03
It was a pretty good pick.
I say if you’re looking for something relaxing, get that.
It’s a good smoke.
It’s Hardy, gives you good mouth feel, you know, good exhale, nice clouds.
20:21
Yeah.
So those are my thoughts off the stem for this week.
If you get a chance, go to Cuba.
Keep your expectations low.
But overall, if you just expect to drink and visit the beach, you’re going to have a great time.
I would have liked to go out into Havana, but time did not permit.
20:37
And also, I hadn’t been on vacation in 20 years.
So, you know, I wanted to sit on a beach and think about nothing.
I achieved that.
So yeah, so that’s what I say.
Go to Cuba, don’t take weed.
But when you get back and you want to feel like you were you’re back there, then smoke some of this Frosted Flakes.
20:56
They’re good.
Thank you for joining me, Justin Peroni, your friendly neighborhood pod head on thoughts off the stem.
Hope you come back next week and join me for another session on Spotify, Google Podcast, Apple Podcast, iTunes, YouTube Pod, Chaser, Pandora, Good pods Pod being whenever you get a podcast, it’s out there.
21:25
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Yeah, until next time, keep your lids low, baby.
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